mhm

well.. today was a good day. previous problems and issues seemed to be pushed aside without my dramatic speech and thoughts. i just sat back and enjoyed the ride. today was an unbelievably good day..

however,.. it seems my own philosophy has proven itself true. nothing really is enough... is it..?
it isnt like i chose to be sad and depressed about soemthing as stupid as this. it just happened.. and it still does happen.

there seems to be something missing. is it a beating heart? i feels hollow... i do not understand though..what will ever fill such a deep hole? i refuse to see the company of friends as a bandaid over deep wound, but a hole slowly filled with concrete. it has reduced in size.. takedo. it still.. i wouldnt say hurts.. but

that contributes to the missing.. but there is something else.. and with such a huge distraction and such a huge, harsh world we must face... we either should have figured this out already, or not find out about this till we are mid-aged.

koi ka? i dunno. but the idea of how i didnt want a gf. how it would be just a mess with everything going on. knowing myself, and how people behave during times like these, no relationship is stable. there is no perfect balance in such a relationship at this time. we are way to immature... yes, we can all make mature decisions and what not. but i am refering to our experiences. our extent in exploring ourselves, our lives, and our world... is small ... tiny, unworthy of mention. dont think you are excluded. assuming you will be stuck on such matter you will not become a true adult.

to be honest.. do you really want to be an adult? .. i am side tracking..

missing pieces. gf. i am not sure. i want... to just disappear... live. but disappear. not away from friends. but away from the hsc, and study. there is one of my thoughts are that work. is quite money based.. sure there are jobs that do not reward any profit of money. but they are the repercussions of such a money hungry world. and us, the children are sucked into such a cruel world. once they are born, they are exposed to the worst thing ever on this world [other than man kind] - money -

anyways ... lately.. i have been yerning for.. lady company. i would love to just lay under the clouds on a warm day, searching the blue sky for some meaning. with her just there next to me... then what happens? [what has this world done to me...?] exactly.. what happens next? a relationship isnt just staring at clouds. it isnt about lying there are just enjoying each otherr's company. that is a fairytale that lasts far less than you would like. reality is that a relationship requires effort put into sustaining it. i dont know if i want to be in the half of the relationship....

i really do not know.
are you hungry? i do not know
can you go tutor 2 hrs earlier than normal? i dont know
are you really 17? i do NOT know.
so what is going to happen next? i do not know
what shall we do now? i do not know.

do you get the point already??
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i do not know

sleep is the cure for more than you will ever believe. never forget the importance of sleep [relaxation].